When I decided to take on HotChillee's famed cycle ride from London to Paris (which starts on Thursday 20 June), I did so with the intention of making it part of a bigger plan. I was cycling to Paris, obviously, but more than that; I was creating a better me.

I would train my desk-softened body to within an inch of its pasty life. I'd sharpen my mind by forcing upon myself a kind of monastic sporting discipline. I would cease to eat and drink; instead I would take on fuel. I'd even take up yoga on the advice of my fiancé so my body – like the chassis of a formula one car – would be tuned to bear the force of my new power. Then I would ride to Paris in June, and every inch of tarmac (and cobble) would be gobbled up with lycra-clad ferocity.

With one week to go, as you can probably guess, I have done none of those things. My training regime has been terrible (I could blame weather, work, witchcraft – and other things beginning with W – but basically it's entirely my own doing), my grey matter is as flabby as it has ever been, and as for fuelling – I've been pouring diesel into an unleaded engine, if you'll forgive the lazy metaphor.*

So how am I feeling about joining hundreds of other lycra/carbon fetishists on a three-day, 550km jaunt from Hampton Court to la Ville des Lumières next week? A little nervous, and a lot excited. After all, how often do regular punters get to ride in a bunch (or peleton, if you speak cycling) on closed roads, fully supported by mechanics, flanked by motorbike outriders and with gear lugged from one stage to the next by lovely people? My superhero training regime might have slipped, but I might just be able to convince myself I'm a proper cyclist; an office-bound Wiggins, minus the glittering palmarès, the sideburns and the paralysing fear of Chris Froome.

You can join me next week right here on escapismmagazine.com, where I'll be blogging, tweeting and suffering so you don't have to. Don't feel too sorry for me, though – I'm the one who gets to roll triumphantly (and battered and broken, presumably) into Paris a week on Saturday. Wish me luck…

For more information on the event, visit londres-paris.com

*I haven't taken up yoga, either. I'll keep you posted on that one.